OLD DOGS

John Travolta and Robin Williams are middle-aged bachelors in Old Dogs, one of them comfortable with it the other one not. Both of them run a sports marketing firm, and they’re trying to close a deal with the Japanese. This is one of those movies in which the Travolta character Charlie tells a long-winded “comic” story to break the ice at a meeting, in which the Japanese heads are stolid and not amused, but then break into sudden uproarious laughter when they get the Chili Palmer-like punchline. Williams, as Dan (for one scene known as Tan Dan, whoops, I gave away a joke), is the passive straight man who prides himself in distinguished presentation. Williams, of course, can’t resist himself and has several scenes where he gets himself into a slapstick tizzy.

These two men get their lives upside-down when they are coaxed into taking care of two young 7-year old twins. The twins are a boy and girl, how about that for variety? Neither of these men are properly equipped for fatherhood which results in canned would-be hilarity, and as a sign of these two acquainting with the kids they let them watch “Friday the 13th Part III.” In public, Charlie or Dan are repeatedly viewed as either a gay couple or as two grandparents (a wearying running gag). Dan has more at stake from the start: if he succeeds as a father-type he can possibly get foxy momma Vicki (Kelly Preston) to fall in love with him after she finishes her two-week jail sentence, a sentence she picked up for harmless environmental protest. Let’s also mention that Dan fathered these children seven years ago but just learned about it.

I laughed up a storm, during one scene and one scene only, towards the end where Charlie and Dan have made a decision to venture to Japan (Seth Green was their AWOL employee, now they got to fill in). While there to do a PowerPoint or High-Def Video presentation, Dan hits the wrong button on his computer and video pops up of his two sparkling happy children and he gets teary-eyed about abandoning them. There must have been five hundred people in the theater, but I was the only one laughing at this shameless and utterly contrived tear-jerking moment.

As for the rest, manufactured comedy segments include “Prison Rules” Ultimate Frisbee, child-proofing the house, a medication pill-box switch-up, golf course hi-jinks, biting attacks by penguins and a malfunctioning jetpack. Do Travolta and Williams recognize their fallibility? That’s a question that is interpretative in a myriad number of ways. Travolta, ceaselessly jokey and jaunty as the incorrigible bachelor with a bag of anecdotes, is like a one-man glee club. Williams, while portraying uptight, is never more comfortable when he does a crazy old man dance.

These two get support by Matt Dillon, Ann-Margaret, Justin Long, Lori Loughlin, Rita Wilson and the late Bernie Mac, who all show up in small roles where they are at first cheerful, then lose their temper. Except Bernie Mac, who is groovy nearly all the way until he gets a tear in his eye (those kids do the darndest things to melt your heart). I smirked during some moments, broader audiences will eat it all up wholeheartedly.

GRADE: C-